Tuesday, May 21, 2013

When love is painful and confusing

Before I got married, I used to think the most painful words in the English language were "I love  you."  Even saying those words would make me sick to my stomach and make me cry.  Seven years of escalating emotional (and other) abuse from Builder have only reinforced that idea in my mind.  Here is a short list of what "I love you" can mean:
  • Don't leave me.
  • You're mine, to do with as I please.
  • I want to possess you.
  • I'm allowed to scream at you, because you're stupid and worthless (but I love you anyway).
  • I'm sorry.
  • Don't hurt me.
  • Give me what I want.
  • I want s-x.
  • You can't leave.
  • You must meet my every demand.
  • Let's have another child.
  • Allow me to show you some token of affection after scaring you and our children with my latest outburst.
  • My abuse of you is justified.
  • I'm such a nice guy.
  • I'm afraid of you.


  1. I don't normally follow this blog but I've seen you r comments elsewhere and I know you've been living with pain and sadness for some time now. You deserve better than this. I hope this road that you are embarking on now will bring you and your family to a place of healing and peace.

  2. Wow.
    Did you ever tell anyone? I have women friends who periodically call me and complain about their husbands. After venting with a few friends, they then rant and rave at their husbands, and things go back to normal. [Same thing happens with some husbands--I think people think I'm a marriage counselor.]
    Don't want to sound like I'm blaming the victim, but--why on earth would you put up with such treatment for 7 years? You say you live in a tight-knit community. Even if you don't like the people in it (I gather this from reading some of your older posts), does that mean that NOBODY would have helped you get help? Sometimes people will help others just to "prove" to themselves that they're better than you. Sometimes you have to swallow the natural response to that crappy attitude to get what you want or what you need.
    Do you belong to a synagogue? Could the rabbi have helped you?
    I just looked over the list again. Most of the statements seem to require the response: "No!" or "Who cares?" or "You must be kidding!" I'm sure you used these responses now and then. They didn't work?
    Again, I hope I'm not coming off like someone who likes to blame the victim. But what have you done over the past 7 years to fight back, or at least protect yourself?


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