What did I sign up for--Abuse and divorce

So, it looks like I'm taking a little break from everything wrong with American politics to discuss--everything wrong with Israeli politics.  Specifically, this cute little story out of Jerusalem.
A woman sues for divorce on the grounds of domestic violence.  Naturally, the Beit Din cannot force the man to give a get, but they have the power to sanction in case of refusal.  In this case, they did not use that power because--the husband only assaulted his wife after she left him.
Wow.  Just--wow. 
"When a man takes a wife and is intimate with her, and it happens that she does not find favor in his eyes because he discovers in her an unseemly [moral] matter, and he writes for her a bill of divorce and places it into her hand, and sends her away from his house," (Devarim 24:1).
"She does not find favor in his eyes" are the grounds for a get, according to Torah text.  I'd say assaulting her was evidence that he found her "unfavorable."
The rabbis argue that if she hadn't left, he would never have assaulted her.  However, I would argue that, based on everything I've read about DV, physical assault was the escalation of a situation that has gone very, very bad.  Usually, the wife leaving is a catalyst for escalation of abuse, and this can range from physical assault to murder.  (I actually know someone this happened to.  The wife was a victim of emotional abuse for years.  She left her husband, and he physically assaulted her.)  Moreover, the rabbis' statement sounds a lot like victim-blaming.
To me, there should be no discussion.  The man assaulted his wife.  We have it on the record.  This is grounds not only for divorce, but a restraining order.  The Torah is about compassion.  Where is the compassion for the abuse survivor?  Why do we have none for this poor woman?

What did I sign up for--Marginalized groups

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of my separation from Builder. I celebrated by joining some of my job training classmates at a seminar on sexual assault.  (It was very empowering, not triggering.)  The organization hosting the event at the Queens Borough President's event, SAVI (Sexual Assault and Violence Intervention) started off by describing services specifically to four groups they considered "marginalized" in reporting sex crimes or domestic violence--immigrants, trafficking victims, and the LGBT community.  Guess which group was number four?
Ding ding ding!  That's right.  Orthodox Jews for the win!
Am I saying that all Orthodox Jewish men are rapists or abusers?  Far from it!  I'm sure there are many kind Orthodox men out there.  I didn't happen to be married to one, but one bad apple is easy to dismiss as just that.  I am saying, however, that Orthodox women who are victims of this sort of crime are reluctant to report it.  Look what happened to the girl who went up against Nechemya Weberman.  Booed out of shul on Rosh Hashanah.  Look what happened to me.  My own rebbetzin told me that Builder "didn't do anything to me."  (Seriously, what do you call being raped?)  Besides community pressure to keep silent, how many Orthodox women even call it rape if their attacker stood under a chuppah with them?  Fathered their children?  Made Kiddush for them?  Even in the secular world, marital rape is still a crime almost impossible to report.  How much more so in the Orthodox world, where women are taught that they are responsible for shalom bayis?  My own kallah teacher taught me nothing about my right of refusal.  If I didn't have a secular background, how long would I have tolerated being the victim?  Would I have continued to cry silently, then shrug it off as an inescapable part of marriage?  How many more times would it have happened?  How many more times will it happen to other women before we end it?

What did I sign up for--Hilchos Jail

Years ago, I remember Rebbetzin Jungreis saying over and over again, that Torah is like no other study.  Studying Torah will make one a better person, a more moral person.  A Torah person.  And the Torah has all those rules about how to behave.  Rules about not stealing.  Rules about honest business dealings.  Rules about how to treat people.  Rules about not hurting people.  The most famous Hillel story has him saying "That which is harmful to you, do not do to your neighbor.  That is the whole Torah--the rest is commentary.  Go and study!"  That, to me, is what Torah observance means.  However, I would guess not everyone agrees.
Last spring, Misaskim magazine had a whole article about how to conduct oneself if one should be unfortunate enough to get arrested.  Now I have read many service magazines in my time, and I find that most of their articles get a tad repetitive.  However, I have never seen a secular magazine carry an article about arrest.  Had they really become so commonplace in the Jewish world?  What about the Torah?  What about following all those rules on theft and honesty and moral behavior?  What about the Ten Commandments?  Sure, you can study the damages paid when your ox gores your neighbors' bull, but what about that strong moral code?  Shouldn't that be enough to keep pretty much any Torah-observant Jew out of legal trouble?
I didn't think it could get any worse.
It got worse.
Coming out of uber-frum Boro Park--an entire two-volume sefer devoted to the laws, prayers, and inspirational stories for the Orthodox Jew in jail.  I hate to imagine.  (Since the book was written entirely in Hebrew, I'm afraid that I CAN only imagine--can't read well enough for a sefer.)
The big issue is not that this book was written.  If someone can write a volume thicker than the Brooklyn Yellow Pages basically saying "cover up and avoid men," then anyone can write anything.  The issue is that publishers will only publish books when a market exists.  Is there really such a large number of Orthodox Jews in jail that this book needs to exist?  Is there enough of a market for a book geared to frum prison inmates?
What does that say about us?
Child molestation.  Tax evasion.  Insurance fraud.  Theft.  Domestic violence.  Being a slumlord.  Assault.  All of these are--or should be--off limits to anyone who calls himself frum.  And, hopefully, there will never be any more need for seforim like these.

What did I sign up for--Disposable children

The Things are now 7 and 5, respectively.  They may grouse a bit about Shabbos, but they still keep it.  They go to yeshiva, daven when they're told to daven, learn the parsha, and follow the Torah.  They're little kids.  Going OTD is not really an issue at this point.
Fast forward ten years.
I am picturing Thing 1, who wants with every fiber of her being to be a professional actress.  How will she react if she is given a part that demands a Friday-night performance?  What about Thing 2, who was born with a mind of her own and a penchant for bending the rules?  What will happen if one of my children turns out to be gay?  What will I do if they decide to go OTD?
I'll tell you what I will not do.  I will never abandon them.
One of the big selling points in kiruv is Judaism's strong family values.  I have questioned this for years, seeing the widespread institutionalization of young children, educational neglect, silent children, and kids knocking on strangers' doors doing fundraising without adult supervision.  However, this article in the Mishpacha made my hair stand up on end.
The article referenced a rabbi in Israel that takes in young OTD girls tossed out by their parents.  A kind act, true, but why are teenagers being turned out at all?  Because the parents are ashamed?  The child (and make no mistake--15 and 16 year-olds are still children) is trying to grow and define herself.  Sometimes, this takes on forms that parents disagree with.  That's typical adolescence.  However, putting one's own children out on the street is not only atypical, it is abusive.  Moreover, it is counterproductive.  Odds are, once a child is tossed out, that child will never come back.  Not to the parents, and not to Yiddishkeit.
As parents, it is our job to put our children first.  Our own feelings, our egos, others' opinions--all are secondary.  No family should ever throw away their children.  No parent should ever pray for a child's death.  No parent should ever deliberately put a child at risk of harm, whether through starvation, physical attack, or sleeping in the street.  And no one should ever tell a confused teenager that "she brought it on herself."
Our children are gifts from G-d.  They are not disposable!

What did I sign up for--Domestic violence

I had another court date last week.  As I sat waiting on the Integrated Domestic Violence (IDV) floor, I saw two--two--different women with covered heads who were not related to Builder.  Nor were they attorneys. 
Two more.
Another at the Children's Law Center.
More than I care to count at the Family Justice Center.
And, if you go off the "iceberg theory," (only the tip is visible), for every one of those women, there are how many more who DON'T report?  Nine?  Ten?
Since Builder is now on his third arrest, this means that I am very much on the radar with the local precinct.  Every so often, the DV officers check up on me to make sure I am safe. The last time they were there, they told me that they were in the area, and happened to notice that I was home.  Apparently, there were a few other families on the block that they were checking up on.
The block.  Not Boro Park.  Not the neighborhood.  The block.
It should be mentioned at this point that most of my neighbors are very frum.
Is it any wonder that I see frum men as predators?  Is it any wonder that I don't want to remarry?  Is it any wonder that I am more "tifrosh min hatzibur" than before?  Is it any wonder that I walk through boro Park and mentally ask every frum woman I see, "Does your husband hurt you, too?"
When we are told to "walk modestly with G-d," we are also told to "do justice and love mercy."  How, then, can that be compatible with spousal abuse?  How can a Torah-observant man justify hurting his own family?  Moreover, how can it be so common that frum abuse victims keep turning up everywhere? 

Wishing I got the exception

When Builder and I were together, people always told me how "lucky" I was.  That men like Builder were a rare breed.
Dear G-d, I wish that were true.  Unfortunately...
Since I left Builder, I've been spending a lot of time at the Family Justice Center.  My kids have counseling there; I briefly attended a support group until scheduling conflicts made it impossible; and they have all sorts of services for victims of DV.  Of course, since this is a city agency (it's part of the Kings County DA's office), a cross-section of Brooklyn will invariably find its way there.  Including my people.
On three separate occasions, I have seen frum or formerly frum women at the Family Justice Center who are dealing with their own abusive situations.  (And these are just the ones who came forward--how many others DON'T come forward?)  There are social workers who deal solely with the frum.  There was even a pamphlet about DV specifically directed to the frum. 
What are we doing?
I thought that we were better than this.  I honestly hoped that Builder was some kind of evil exception.  I honestly hoped that all the smiling ladies in Boro Park were happy.  However, I still think back to when Builder abused me.  I remember walking through Boro Park on a Shabbos afternoon shortly after it happened and seeing all the women outside with their kids, enjoying the spring air.  I looked at them and thought, "Did your husband do this to you, too?  Did he ever force you?"  Sad to say, I no longer feel safe among my own people.  I look at frum men, and I see predators.  And it breaks my heart.  I had honestly thought that the Torah these men were supposed to learn made them better than that.  But it seems like such a sham.

Time for the truth to come out

After my little brush with Jewish omerta, I was pretty annoyed with the community as a whole.  I'd heard about things like this happening, but I never thought it would happen to me.  One of my staunchest allies, the Professor, told me that it would be a good idea to talk to Rebbetzin Brooklyn.  Tell her everything. 

 



So, I did.  While the Things were in school last week, I popped over to talk to her.  And a waste of time was had by all.
I started by showing her the order of protection.  The one Builder keeps violating.  Then I told her how I got it. 
The truth is, Builder has a vile temper.  He began to show signs of violence a couple of months before I left.  While he didn't put his hands on me, he was punching walls in frustration.  He even punched an EMT's minivan when the EMT turned on a porta-siren to get Builder to move his double-parked car.  But that was not the only deciding force.  Five days before Pesach, Builder and I got into a huge fight.  Actually, he yelled and tore my kitchen apart while I cowered.  Four hours later, he came home from a late-night renovation job.  And he raped me.
For the past six months, I've tried not to think about it.  Didn't want to talk about it, except to a select few of my allies.  I didn't think I would be believed.  And, unfortunately, I was right.  Rebbetzin Brooklyn was very dismissive.  She told me that anyone could get a restraining order (not true), and that "I was living in HIS house, and I had HIS kids.  Of course he was feeling hurt."  She also told me that while he may have been threatening, he hadn't actually done anything to hurt me (what do you call rape?), and that it was a terrible thing to put someone in jail (because there are so many means at my disposal to enforce this order of protection OTHER than incarceration).  She felt sorry for him because he only got alternate weekends with his kids, and why couldn't we work out joint custody?  (Did I fail to mention that I have a RESTRAINING ORDER against him?)  I kept reiterating that I was terrified of them man, and that all I want was to be left alone.  I also listed all the retaliatory acts he had committed against me:
Trying to have me arrested.
Trying to have one of my best friends arrested.
Having another one of my best friends (who was helping me with the Things) barred from the house AND barred from contact with the girls.
Calling Children's Services and reporting me for child abuse.
Cancelling my phone service.
Even with all that, she still felt sorry for him.  Whatever happened to not taking sides? 
But now, the truth is out.  I may have lost a relationship, and I certainly can't trust my rabbi anymore, but at least now I know where I stand with the community.  And now, I have nothing left to lose.

Another New Square tragedy

Ahh, New Square.  A place where tolerance reigns supreme.  Sadly, there has been another casualty of this attitude.  A young woman going through a horrific custody battle, who just recently lost her children to her ex-husband, committed suicide.
Sure, one could argue that she may have had a history of depression.  But depression is sometimes a response to circumstance.  In this case, she lost only lost her children, but everyone she knew.  Even her own father testified against her at the custody hearing.  After she lost custody, her children were then turned against her. Her crime?  Leaving the frum world and going OTD. 
Being in the midst of a rather hellish divorce myself, I can sympathize.  I'm not running out on Judaism, but stories like this give me serious pause. 
I thought that Torah made us better people.  Whatever happened to empathy or at least simple compassion?  Whatever happened to supporting your children no matter what?  Whatever happened to understanding the bond between a mother and the children she carried under her heart, and nurtured at great sacrifice?  Hell, whatever happened to honoring your mother and father?  That last one was written in stone by the Hand of G-d, so I'd say it's pretty important.
Deb Tambor, know that your life was not lost in vain.   Rest with G-d.  And know that there are those who loved and supported you.

What did I sign up for--To tell or not to tell

OK, just so we're clear, I DID NOT leave Builder because of homeschooling.  What he did to me was far worse.  In fact, it was criminal.  (Builder, if you or any of your allies are reading this--and since you brought up my blog in court, I know you are--I did not leave over homeschooling, religion, advice from my allies or anything else.)
This puts me in a quandary.  What do I do with Builder?
The truth is, I could possibly prosecute him for his actions.  But what would I gain?  And more importantly, what would I lose?
I have seen what happens in this community.  Just look at the Weberman case.  The entire community held public rallies to support him.  Meanwhile, his victim was publicly shamed.  Her family was shunned.  Her siblings were kicked out of school.  Her husband and father both had their businesses affected.  She was harassed, intimidated, photographed in court.  Her name appeared on posters all over Williamsburg.  Or look at poor Aron Rottenberg.  For the simple crime of changing the venue in which he davened, his house was almost bombed.
All of this could happen to me.  (Except for the bombing part--I think Builder wants his house back eventually, with or without me in it.)
With my daughters starting school in the fall, I have to be very careful.  I can't afford to let myself become a pariah to such an extent that it affects them.  Unless I get permission to relocate (and that's not easy), I'm stuck here.  And, yes, while it would be empowering to report Builder for his actions, and it might ensure that he could never do anything like this to anyone else, I have to worry about the backlash.
And that's disturbing. 
As I've said before, this community could give the Mafia lessons on omerta.  Mesirah, or ratting out your fellow Jew to the secular authorities, is an evil on par with murder, idolatry, or leaving the house bareheaded.  This is despite the fact that the United States government is not the Grand Inquisitor, the SS, or the Cossacks.  Meanwhile, the perpetrator, is treated like a victim, and funds are raised for pidyon shevuyim (redeeming a captive).  Um, whatever happened to dina malchutah dina?  Or establishing courts, which is not only a mitzvah but a Noahide law?    Or that wonderful line in Pirkei Avos about praying for the welfare of the government, because without it, a man would swallow his fellow alive?  Judaism is more than the minutae of Shabbos.  It's more than using an electron microscope to check for bugs in the lettuce.  It's about loving justice.  It's about not doing what is hateful to your fellow man.  It's about being a light unto the nations.  Unfortunately, every single crime we perpetuate against our fellow man is a choking layer of grime over our light.

Divorce in the looking-glass

This is the story of my very dear friend Alicia*.  Alicia and her husband Charlie found Orthodoxy together.  They had two beautiful boys, which they raised in the faith.

And then everything fell down the rabbit hole.

Unbeknownst to Alicia, Charlie was not faithful.  Charlie was abusive.  Alicia had enough and filed for divorce.

And now Alicia wants to leave Orthodoxy, taking her two sons with her.  While she is devoted to Yiddishkeit, and will remain within some bounds of Torah practice (the exact nature of which is still undetermined), she is through with the community.  As she put it, “Had I known that by becoming Orthodox I might someday lose my kids, I would have walked right out again.”  Unfortunately, in the looking-glass world of the community, she is extremely close to the mark.  In a divorce mediated by a din Torah, boys over six often go to the father.  Even if the father is abusive.  Even if the father is unfaithful.  Even if the father breaks Shabbos.  To complicate matters, Alicia is a giyoret, while Charlie is merely a BT.  Charlie would be favored for reasons completely unrelated to his parenting.  This has made Alicia so desperate that she wants to possul her own conversion, thus declaring both herself and her children not Jewish.

And that is a great loss.

As Jews, we are all one.  If one of us cries, we should all cry out.  But we care more about some bizarre, 14^th-century interpretation of the law than we do about the well-being of a family.  We would rather curse the darkness than light a candle.  We would rather put our own Torah through the looking-glass until it is distorted beyond recognition. And in doing so, we affect real lives.  People like Alicia, who is a great contributor to any community.  People like her children, who could have become the sort of husbands and fathers we need more of.   Instead, we have turned them into a korban.  And we will be the ultimate losers.

Now, the Torah makes provisions for divorce.  But, in the text itself, it only says that if a man wants to send his wife away, he has to give her a get.  Nowhere does the Torah (and I’m referring only to the first five books here) state any laws about custody.  It is only our sages, great but still fallible men, who have made this policy.  And it is the passage of time that has calcified this rule into an unbreakable part of our mesorah.  The rightness or justice in the eyes of Hashem is never the issue.  Only holding on to a past that may never have existed.

*As per my blog policy, all names are changed to protect the guilty.

At least try to care about education

Once again, Builder has pressured me into submitting an application to Giant Bais Yaakov.  I fill it in, because--I don't want to lie about my past.  Any problematic questions, such as my last name, I left blank.  Let Builder do the lying.  I want no part of it.  Meanwhile, the questions are laughable.
Mother's elementary school?  (Why, unless this is a blatant attempt at screening for BTs.  Besides, I thought we were supposed to be on a higher spiritual level.)  Shul where father davens on Shabbos?  (Because of course, a respectable Jewish mother is too busy with her ever-expanding family to attend shul--not to mention if you do go, you might actually--gasp--hold by the eruv!  Mechallel Shabbos!)  Summer residence?  (It's the same as my winter residence.  And my spring residence.  And my fall residence.)  Grandparent's names and contact info?  (Should I send you to the cemetery where Builder's parents are buried?  Or to my secular-and-makes-no-bones-about-it Queen Mom, who has told me that she wants to write into her will that none of her inheritance is to go to a religious institution?)  Do you own a VCR?  (1995 called--they want their application back.) 
However, I noticed the absence of one question I consider of utmost importance--current school performance.
On every private school known to mankind, no application is complete without a request for current and past grades.  Just one line, like "All applicants for second grade or higher, please attach a copy of the student's last report card."  Or a transcript request form to send to the child's current school.  Or something to show that you give a damn about academic performance.  (For the record, the state makes me keep and submit records about Thing 1's progress--records which I would happily provide to any school  that asks.)
This, of course, combined with the pattern of obfuscation I have observed, makes me wonder if education is even the goal. 
Should Builder force the issue, they will go.  However, this does not mean I stop homeschooling.  As far as I'm concerned, the place is a babysitting service and a means to give Builder the illusion of normalcy.  Meanwhile, I will happily continue teaching my kids at home.

What did I sign up for--Thoughts on abuse

When I was still in San Diego and grappling with my Jewish identity, I read the book Shanda.  It's the story of a self-hating Jewish journalist who rediscovers his connection to Yiddishkeit with the help of the prominent Chabad rabbi Manis Friedman.  After reading the book, I thought that Manis Friedman would be an interesting person to know.
Now I'm not so sure.
Recently, Rabbi Manis Friedman released a video on YouTube where he basically blasted those who were abused for being victims and not getting on with their lives.  While the original has been taken down due to the widespread backlash (bloggers such as BrooklynWolf, FailedMessiah, and Rabbi Harry Maryles all condemned the video in the strongest possible terms), nothing ever really disappears from the Internet.   Despite the apologetic video posted the next day, Friedman's words will live on.  And they should serve as a warning to all those who seek to enter this community.  There is a poison here.  And it won't go away anytime soon.

What did I sign up for--Yeshiva snobbery.

Normally, I don't buy women's service magazines, whether secular or frum.  I'd rather curl up with a good book, or a sefer.  However, when I'd heard that Mishpacha's Family First had an article about a little girl  that had been rejected from six different nursery schools, my curiosity got the better of me.  The author had supposedly done everything right.  Both she and her husband had grown up frum, and the little girl had gone to playgroup.  However, the schools were rejecting her over things like the school the author had attended, or her driver's license, or the way she looked, or other outright snobbery.  (Reminded me of my Bais Yaakov of Doom experience.)
Then I got to thinking.
The child in question is two years old.  TWO!  She has no academic record or test scores.  I doubt she could spell her own name yet.  And yet, because of lifestyle choices that had nothing to do with her, she was rejected six times, sight unseen.  Now, of course, most parents think their kids are the greatest.  However, a nursery school should only be thinking of admitting kids until they are full.  (In all fairness, one class was already full between siblings and legacies before enrollment opened--but that's one out of 6.  That's 16.6 percent!)  Have we finally come to the point where we dance attendance on a school's whims?  Where they are in control?    Where details about a person's childhood or lifestyle are more important than educating our children?
Why do we have yeshivas?  I always thought it was to impart Torah values to our children.  Builder insists that it's the best environment for our kids to learn good middos.  However, unless we change our attitude, the only benefit to a yeshiva education will be a notch in the belt--and that won't really play out too well with Hashem.
(BTW--the magazine included an article about homeschooling--for parents who want to avoid this craziness.)

Guess we're fasting on Tisha B'Av this year--again.

 Note--I will be returning to Shani soon.  Keep watching for the next chapter.
There is a midrash somewhere that says that Mashiach will be born on Tisha B'Av, and then what was the saddest day on the calendar will turn into one of feasting.
Well, I hope that's true.  But it won't happen this year.
The Siyum HaShas is a little more than one week away.  I will be there, along with Builder, the Things and Queen Mom.  However, the Monsey Viznitzer Rebbe won't be.  The reason?  Two rabbis from Israel will be speaking.  Apparently, the Monsey Viznitzer Rebbe does not believe in the State of Israel, and wants to disassociate himself from anything remotely Zionist.
The comments, BTW are a reminder why I never read the Yeshiva World News.  Not good for my blood pressure.  One commenter said :You can't call Rabbi Yaakov Hillel a Zionist!  That's motzi shem ra!  (Translation--a straight insult.)  Wow.  Have we really broken down to such a point that the term "Zionist" is now considered a black mark against someone?
Truth is, I don't even know who is speaking at the Siyum HaShas.  I don't particularly care, either, as I've probably never even heard of most of the speakers.  However, the Siyum isn't about who is up on the dais.  It's about the large section of K'lal Israel who have spent the last seven and a half years taking time out to study the Talmud one page a day.  It's about those who might not have the chance to learn in an organized fashion taking that opportunity and making the most of it.  And, if all these petty internecine conflicts overshadow that accomplishment, then we have completely missed the point.  And, once again, we'll be fasting on Tisha B'Av.  Unfortunately, if this infighting keeps up, that's about the only thing we'll have in common.

What did I sign up for--Family values

Both Thing 1 and Thing 2 are in camp, and the house is too quiet.
Everyone says it's good for them to go to camp.  Believe me, I'm glad they're enjoying it.  I'm glad they're swimming and going on trips.  I'm glad they're doing arts and crafts.  I'm glad they like the kids in their bunks.
But I'm not glad about the follow-up statement everyone makes.  "When they're done, you'll want to send them back for the next month."  No I won't!  Four weeks is quite enough of a separation. 
And now, for what I don't understand. 
When I was still on the receiving end of all that kiruv, I heard about how family-oriented Judaism was.  How people valued their children.  (It helped that my rav in San Diego homeschooled his own kids through the eighth grade.)  However, I'm not seeing it.  Sure, my neighbors have large families.  They clearly love their babies.  But I don't see that as "valuing one's children."  What I've observed is that parents have a baby, ooh and aah over it for about two or three years, dress it up and show it off, and then shove it out the door into year-round institutional care before the child is out of diapers.  Then it's on to the next kid.
Now, I get the need for daycare, particularly for working families.  However, most of my neighbors are housewives.  Why put your kids in school, camp, Sunday program, B'nos group, Shabbos study sessions, and all the other activities that draw kids away from the home?  How much of this all-important "socialization" does a kid need?  What about time to just talk to your kids, teach them to "help Mommy," sing them nursery rhymes, and show them the world?  (And, by the world, I don't mean the inside of various department stores.  But I hate shopping.)  What about letting them be kids?  How much can we value families if families never spend any time together?
All this has a very negative impact.  When kids come home from yeshiva or seminary, they have no qualms telling Mommy and Totty that they're "not doing it right."  That the family's way of living is "not Jewish enough."  They should have qualms.  These are the people who raised them!  Who loved, fed, clothed, and sheltered them!  Who paid all that tuition so the kids could repay it by acting holier than the parents.  Quite frankly, I think any yeshiva or seminary education that does not emphasize respecting parents (you know, one of the "big Ten" etched in stone by the Hand of G-d) is a total waste.  And it undermines the very family that Judaism is supposed to value.

It's not in the Torah, but it trumps everything...

I'm speaking, of course, about tzniut.
There was a story years ago, about a young girl who was offered a choice--convert or die.  She chose death, and was sentenced to be dragged through the streets of town by a horse-drawn cart.  She had only one request--that she could pin her skirt to her knees so that it wouldn't ride up.  As the sentence began, onlookers could hear the girl crying out.  The carriage stopped, and the girl asked if she could replace some of the pins that were coming loose!
And then, there was the story of Revital Avraham, a young girl of nineteen who died of brain cancer because she was too pretty!  (Of course, this was AFTER her beautiful red hair had been burned off her head.)
And now we have...this.  For some things, there are no words.
Yes, there are.
We have a mother torturing her daughter for all eternity for the sake of...tznius.  Not honestly, not fair dealings, not kindness to her fellow man and to G-d's creatures, but for not covering up enough of her body.  Forget the the Top Ten on the stones written by the Hand of Hashem, this one doesn't even make the 613!  The only references in the Torah to women and dress, are "Don't wear men's clothing" (whatever that means), and an oblique reference to covering hair.  Nothing about what needs to be covered, nothing about stocking thickness or seams.  True, we are supposed to "walk modestly with G-d", but that could mean a hundred things, including a ban on JAP behavior and conspicuous consumption.  Or not taking on a thousand chumras to outfrum your neighbor and drive a wedge between yourself and other Jews. 
If this is what we are teaching our kids, then I'm not sure I want any part of it.

Do you believe in magic?

Having a run of bad luck?  Check your mezuzahs.
Breaking the law?  Donate to Kupat Ha'ir.
Want your daughter to get married?  Join with other women to bake challah.
Segulos.  Now there's something I DEFINITELY did not sign up for.
When I was 15, a love of nature combined with a field trip to Salem, Massachusetts sparked an interest in Wicca.  Three years later, I dropped it all for a weekly trip to the little synagogue that could.  Several years after that, my Messianic ex convinced me to burn all my Wicca books.  (Seriously.  He took me to the beach and set fire to my books.)  I considered magical interventions to be a closed chapter in my life.
Then Thing 1 was born.  Right away, my family wanted to me to put a red string on her to protect her from the evil eye.  No thank you.  Speaking as someone who spent three years learning about magical practices, this had "talisman" written all over it.  I'm sorry, but the last time I checked, doesn't the Torah, oh I don't know, FORBID this sort of thing?
Unfortunately, this was only the first of many segulos I heard about.  I read the Kupat Ha'ir brochures mostly for laughs, but on occasion there would be a story about someone breaking the law.  The authorities would be on to the person, but one call to Kupat Ha'ir and--problem solved!  Chavie's family is having trouble with various health problems, so she wants to check her mezuzah.  Why?  Putting up a mezuzah is a mitzvah, not a magic spell to protect your house.  I think too much of what we now call Yiddishkeit got mixed up with Eastern European superstitions and folk magic.  And, because we focus almost exclusively on mesorah, we can't separate out the actual Judaism from the cultural flotsam and jetsam.
Hashem has given us a Torah, but has also given us a world that works in a certain way.  Instead of using segulos, work with what's there.  And stop treating your mezuzah like some kind of protection charm.  Somehow, I don't think that's what G-d had in mind.

What did I sign up for--Omerta

Omerta is the term for the Mafia's code of silence.  I'd say it works in the Nechemia Weberman case.

So much for family values.

What did I sign up for--Bigotry

Two months after Builder and I got married, we took a trip to Cleveland to visit his extended family.  While there, I got the shock of my life--the "n-word" crossing Jewish lips.
Now I'm not shocked.  I'm just appalled.
I've become accustomed to the all-too-frequent use of the word "schvartza" (a Yiddish version of the n-word).  However, my completely secular parents, the ones who supposedly had no values, never used racial slurs, and taught me never to use them.  All the ones I'd heard of, I picked up from TV--but I hate them all.
The truth is, there is only ONE race.  No group is superior to another.  And those most likely to apply the N-Word are just as likely to drop the K-Word.  We do ourselves no favors by trying to emulate them.  They will always see us as "children of the Devil" or whatever slur they wish to use.  We win ourselves no friends, and gain no respect.  All we do is alienate those elements of the world who might sympathize with our plight.

What did I sign up for--Abuse and cover up

The New York Times has an article today about the Orthodox community's cover-up of sexual abuse and molestation.  According to the article, those who report suspected molesters to the authorities are harassed repeatedly by other community members.  Some have even lost homes and jobs over this.  Meanwhile, the molesters themselves keep their positions and their honor intact.
For all our knowledge, we haven't come very far.  In some ways, we've gone backwards.
The Talmud recounts the famous story of Kamtza and Bar Kamtza.  (According to the Talmud, this story is why the Second Temple was destroyed.)  A man had a friend named Kamtza and an enemy named Bar Kamtza.  By some mix-up, he accidentally invited Bar Kamtza to a party he was having.  When Bar Kamtza arrived, the host threw him out.  Bar Kamtza offered to pay for the whole party if he could stay and be spared the humiliation of being evicted.  However, the host refused, and threw him out anyway.  Bar Kamtza was angry--not at his host, but at the rabbis at the party who stood by and did not intervene.  So, he got back at the entire Jewish community.  He went to the Romans and told them that the Jews would not accept a sacrifice offered by the emperor.  The emperor sent a bull, but Bar Kamtza cut its lip, blemishing the animal and making it unfit for sacrifice.  When the animal was refused, the Romans retaliated by declaring war on the Jews and destroying the Temple.
In a lot of ways, we are no different.  We stand by silent while our own members are dishonored and humiliated.  We then turn it around and blame them.  The only difference is that we will not be destroyed by an outside authority, but from within.
In the meantime, for a group that claims to value families and children, we are permitting the murder of the souls of hundreds of children.  No one ever gets past abuse.  Especially when the abuser seems to have the community's stamp of approval.