Monday, December 23, 2013

What did I sign up for--Domestic violence

I had another court date last week.  As I sat waiting on the Integrated Domestic Violence (IDV) floor, I saw two--two--different women with covered heads who were not related to Builder.  Nor were they attorneys. 
Two more.
Another at the Children's Law Center.
More than I care to count at the Family Justice Center.
And, if you go off the "iceberg theory," (only the tip is visible), for every one of those women, there are how many more who DON'T report?  Nine?  Ten?
Since Builder is now on his third arrest, this means that I am very much on the radar with the local precinct.  Every so often, the DV officers check up on me to make sure I am safe. The last time they were there, they told me that they were in the area, and happened to notice that I was home.  Apparently, there were a few other families on the block that they were checking up on.
The block.  Not Boro Park.  Not the neighborhood.  The block.
It should be mentioned at this point that most of my neighbors are very frum.
Is it any wonder that I see frum men as predators?  Is it any wonder that I don't want to remarry?  Is it any wonder that I am more "tifrosh min hatzibur" than before?  Is it any wonder that I walk through boro Park and mentally ask every frum woman I see, "Does your husband hurt you, too?"
When we are told to "walk modestly with G-d," we are also told to "do justice and love mercy."  How, then, can that be compatible with spousal abuse?  How can a Torah-observant man justify hurting his own family?  Moreover, how can it be so common that frum abuse victims keep turning up everywhere? 


  1. Thought to ponder:

    I'm a frum guy who was going through the early stages of divorce for months, when my wife decided to play the domestic violence card. Zero history before that, decade and a half married. I was summarily arrested, thrown out of my house, and prohibited from seeing or even talking to the kids.

    You might have seen wife in IDV as well. Thought to ponder.

    1. Sorry, but, having gone through the process, I have to call BS.
      Restraining orders (orders of protection) are not easy to get. The only way to get one is to file a petition and see a judge. You have to have specific grounds, which include a very specific list of offenses. (Of course, these include harassment and stalking). You also have to have the patience to hang around Family Court for a whole day.
      Also, when you are served, you are not "summarily arrested," unless you decide to act belligerently. Builder was served, but not arrested until I proved that he was ignoring it--three days later.
      Finally, unless there is a provable allegation of child abuse (and child abuse allegations that come to light after a separation are treated with suspicion by the courts and ACS--usually not believed), a father has the right to see his children. Builder has court-ordered, unsupervised visitation. ]
      I think there's a bridge that's missing you.

    2. Very well, you don't seem to understand what level of proof is necessary to effect an isn't as high as you think.

      Perhaps because you're a victim, you can't imagine that some women would actually lie to gain a significant upper hand in the proceedings. Restraining orders aren't easy to get, unless you are a liar. Then, they come with simple ease.

      Consider yourself lucky. You can't even comprehend how someone would try to game the system. That at least shows your integrity. And, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt, in spite of the nasty way you answered me.

    3. I think I know about gaming the system. Builder has been trying to do it since this started.

    4. Oh, and just to clarify, I now have court-ordered unsupervised visitation too.

      But the fact that I had to fight for that 'privilege' in court -- and go for weeks without contact with the kids -- should disturb anyone, male or female.

      Some spouses use the children as weapons., and it's not pretty. Maybe you are familiar with this type of mentality, through Builder. Maybe not. But my original comment stands: your post assumed everyone in IDV is 'of course' an abuse victim. Assume isn't so.

    5. Abuse victims need MORE people taking them seriously, not fewer, CDS. And did you really expect an answer that wasn't a little "nasty" when you chose the blog of an abused woman to share your sob story about how The System Is Out To Get Teh Menz? Even if your account passed the smell test--it doesn't, for reasons already mentioned--that would still be strikingly insensitive and inappropriate. Also, nice use of the "you're status as a victim makes your thoughts and perceptions invalid" silencing technique. Classy.

      I'm pretty sure there are some MRA sites out there that would love your sob story. Meanwhile, if you are out to make frum men look better, you are not succeeding.


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