Of dead rebbes and living "Gedolim"

Question:  Why are Lubavitch and Breslov so popular with baalei teshuvah?
Answer: Their rebbes are dead.

In case you're thinking that I have a sick sense of humor, here's my logic.  Both Nachman of Breslov and Menachem Mendel Schneerson live on in their writings and in the stories told about them by their Hasidim.  And, needless to say, these stories tend to skew very positive.  After all, who is going to say that their late, great Grand Rebbe is a schmuck?  And, since they are deceased, none of their actions can belie their reputations.  Unlike say, Satmar or Bobov, where the movement has split along which of Reb Yoelish's or Rabbi Halberstam's descendants is actually the true Rebbe, and which is the wannabe (isn't this what split the Church into Catholic and Eastern Orthodox factions?), or Skver, where the Rebbe may or may not have sent his houseboy to burn a guy's house down (this actually happened), all we have to go off of are memories.  And acharei mos kedoshim, these memories tend to emphasize what a nice guy these rebbes were.
Lest you think I am needlessly picking on Hasidim, I have to say that the Litvish are no better.  In fact they are often worse.  Far, far worse.  Fail to toe the party line, whether you are Dov Lipman or Avi Weiss, and you find yourself on the receiving end of wrath bordering on excommunication.  The roshei yeshiva are quick to cast out the "other," even if this "other" includes their own colleagues.  At least the Hasidim, who have central leadership, tend to leave other Jews alone.

What did I sign up for--To tell or not to tell

OK, just so we're clear, I DID NOT leave Builder because of homeschooling.  What he did to me was far worse.  In fact, it was criminal.  (Builder, if you or any of your allies are reading this--and since you brought up my blog in court, I know you are--I did not leave over homeschooling, religion, advice from my allies or anything else.)
This puts me in a quandary.  What do I do with Builder?
The truth is, I could possibly prosecute him for his actions.  But what would I gain?  And more importantly, what would I lose?
I have seen what happens in this community.  Just look at the Weberman case.  The entire community held public rallies to support him.  Meanwhile, his victim was publicly shamed.  Her family was shunned.  Her siblings were kicked out of school.  Her husband and father both had their businesses affected.  She was harassed, intimidated, photographed in court.  Her name appeared on posters all over Williamsburg.  Or look at poor Aron Rottenberg.  For the simple crime of changing the venue in which he davened, his house was almost bombed.
All of this could happen to me.  (Except for the bombing part--I think Builder wants his house back eventually, with or without me in it.)
With my daughters starting school in the fall, I have to be very careful.  I can't afford to let myself become a pariah to such an extent that it affects them.  Unless I get permission to relocate (and that's not easy), I'm stuck here.  And, yes, while it would be empowering to report Builder for his actions, and it might ensure that he could never do anything like this to anyone else, I have to worry about the backlash.
And that's disturbing. 
As I've said before, this community could give the Mafia lessons on omerta.  Mesirah, or ratting out your fellow Jew to the secular authorities, is an evil on par with murder, idolatry, or leaving the house bareheaded.  This is despite the fact that the United States government is not the Grand Inquisitor, the SS, or the Cossacks.  Meanwhile, the perpetrator, is treated like a victim, and funds are raised for pidyon shevuyim (redeeming a captive).  Um, whatever happened to dina malchutah dina?  Or establishing courts, which is not only a mitzvah but a Noahide law?    Or that wonderful line in Pirkei Avos about praying for the welfare of the government, because without it, a man would swallow his fellow alive?  Judaism is more than the minutae of Shabbos.  It's more than using an electron microscope to check for bugs in the lettuce.  It's about loving justice.  It's about not doing what is hateful to your fellow man.  It's about being a light unto the nations.  Unfortunately, every single crime we perpetuate against our fellow man is a choking layer of grime over our light.

Independence Day?

Well, once again I was in court.  Once again, it was a lot of nothing.  Builder is now obligated to pay support.  (Thank you, Judge DV).  My lawyer is too expensive, so I'm going for court-appointed counsel.  And AriSparkles, who has been BFF, babysitter, and bodyguard all rolled into one, is now enjoined from seeing the Things until she passes a security clearance.    (Shouldn't take too long.)  Also, we have to be seen by a "forensic evaluator," which I am preparing for like ACS is coming. 
Some lessons here:

1. Be VERY CAREFUL what goes onto social media.  I think my FB was hacked, and I know my blog was read, since it was referenced in court.  Because my comments are usually oblique, the worst thing they could say about me is that I like my sister-in-law.
2. "Zealous representation" clearly means different things to different people.
3. Sometimes the judge is your best ally.
4. If Builder can play games and split hairs, so can I.
5. This thing requires seriously dirty pool.

Happy Fourth of July, everyone!

Rape manual

Recently, over at Reddit, a guy calling himself TofuTofu (Ken Hoinsky) decided to promote himself as a dating guru and publish excerpts from his dating manual.  Then he decided to solicit funds on Kickstarter, and raised the funds necessary for a self-publish.  All well and good--the Internet is the ultimate land of free speech.  However, the book itself...
Most of these come straight from Chapter 7--Physical Escalation & Sex.  Comments in italics are mine.

"Just keep in mind that it's MUCH easier to enter into a fruitful relationship with a woman AFTER you've made her cum a half-dozen times. And that's true whether you're looking for a wife, girlfriend, friend-with-benefits, or anything in between."  Actually, that's not attractive to most women.  Or most people.  I know for me, there are some things (OK, a LOT of things) that a lady doesn't do on a first date.

"This scenario happens all the time. A man is on a date with a woman. The man fails to touch the girl and only goes in for the kiss at the end of the night. He goes home alone. His internal dialogue says, 'WTF why won't girls hook up with me? I guess I'm in the friend-zone again.' "  Riiight.  Because dating=scoring.  Whatever happened to letting a relationship develop?  Besides, the ones who kept their hands to themselves on the first date were pretty much guaranteed a second.  And, really, isn't that the point?

"From now on you must ASSUME that she is attracted to you and wants to be ravished."  Hey, idiot, according to the Merriam-Webster, "ravish" means "rape."

"Decide that you're going to sit in a position where you can rub her leg and back. Physically pick her up and sit her on your lap. Don't ask for permission. Be dominant. Force her to rebuff your advances."  Some women will rebuff this sort of advance, usually by "escalating" to a slap or a kick in a sensitive area.  Others will freeze up and just want it to end.

"If at any point a girl wants you to stop, she will let you know. If she says "STOP," or "GET AWAY FROM ME," or shoves you away, you know she is not interested. It happens. Stop escalating immediately and say this line:
"No problem. I don't want you to do anything you aren't comfortable with."
Memorize that line. It is your go-to when faced with resistance. Say it genuinely, without presumption. All master seducers are also masters at making women feel comfortable. You'll be no different. If a woman isn't comfortable, take a break and try again later."  First of all, how often has "no" been interpreted as "try again in five minutes" or "I'm just being a tease, but I really mean yes?"  More often than Mr. Hoinsky thinks.  This is the sort of advice that usually leaves a woman calling her best friend at 3 am, crying her eyes out.  NO MEANS NO EVERY TIME!

Pull out your cock and put her hand on it. Remember, she is letting you do this because you have established yourself as a LEADER. Don't ask for permission, GRAB HER HAND, and put it right on your dick."  I believe the law calls that "misdemeanor sexual abuse."  Again, would it hurt to ASK?

Gentlemen--Prove yourselves one, and DO NOT take this weirdo's advice.  Ladies--It is NEVER OK to be grabbed, forced, or touched against your will.  If you are with a man like this, get away!

Jewish nuns

One question that I've often thought about is the place of the single (never-married, divorced or widowed) woman in the Jewish community.  If she still has kids, she of course is consumed with all the rights and responsibilities of motherhood.  But when there are no children, or the children have moved out, what then?  True, there are some chesed organizations that accept volunteers.  But there has to be more to life than handing out challah at Maimonides, organizing Chinese auctions, and saying tehillim.  Not to mention--a lot of the women who do these activities are married anyway.
So, what about the idea of the Jewish nun?
Unlike Catholic nuns, who take lifelong vows and "marry" the Church, a Jewish nun would have no such obligation  She would still be free to date and marry.  However, it would be a way for her to be a part of the Jewish community without constantly hearing about "Miri's daughter got engaged" or "Oy, Yanky fell off his bike."  Specifically, Jewish nuns would have their room and board provided.  In exchange, they would teach in the schools, perform volunteer activities, and run hosting centers for people visiting out-of-town areas.  They would also spend their time in the study of all Jewish texts, becoming experts in halacha so that they can advise women on sensitive matters (and all my married readers know what I'm talking about).  Gemara study would be permitted and  encouraged, but not required.  However, members would not be called upon to lead services.  Membership is open to all single Jewish women who no longer have children living with them, including agunot.

Flying solo on Shabbos

Since I became frum, I have fallen, deeply, madly in love with Shabbos.  I absolutely love it.  Making Shabbos, even after all this time, is a labor of love.  And then, when the house in clean, the work is done, and the candles are lit, it's just fun.
Of course, Shabbos in the Aztec Palace is a little different without Builder.  Not bad, just--different.
While it's true that Builder is not there to sing zemiros and learn with (and it's one of the things I miss--we'd crack the seforim every Shabbos, everything from the parsha to the daf to Pirkei Avos), Shabbos is still Shabbos.  Truth be told, I kind of enjoy making Kiddush and Havdalah (and spare me--I've been drinking the Havdalah wine for weeks and have not grown a beard, so let's put that little myth to rest.)  I enjoy leading my seuda'ot, just me, the Things, and AriSparkles, who has been joining us as late.  Sometimes Queen Mom comes in, and it's really fun.  And, while the zemiros have given way to show tunes (I'm sure ours is the only Shabbos table in Boro Park where the strains of "Stepsister's Lament" can be heard), I think the Things enjoy it more.  And really, isn't that part of the point?  If our children see Shabbos as something enjoyable, won't that keep it going more than the hellfire and damnation of the community?

Bureaucratic fumbilng

Wednesday was my court date.  Because Builder violated the restraining order, I had him arrested, and the case was transferred to Integrated Domestic Violence, or IDV court.  The IDV judge would decide everything having to do with the restraining order and with custody.
Now, when most of us think of "court," we think of scenes of witnesses testifying and being cross-examined, Law & Order-style.  However, because this was "return of process," this basically meant a lot of quiet talking between Builder's attorney, my attorney, and the judge.  The judge extended the restraining order into August.  Then, it was time to deal with custody.  However, Builder's lawyer said that Builder tried to have me arrested for kidnapping.  This was not a smart move.
First of all, mixed among the various petitions, reports, and orders, there was no police report accusing me of kidnapping.  None.  There was a Domestic Incident report that said he violated the restraining order, but there was nothing on me.  Secondly, I sat in my local precinct for two hours trying to get Builder served with the original restraining order.  No one said anything to me about kidnapping my kids.  Somehow, I don't think the NYPD has been taken over to that extent by the Keystone Kops. 
Builder also stated that he had never been told to leave his house or escorted off the property.  Again, since the police have done this far too many times (and once is too many), the judge did not believe him.  Then his lawyer ordered a fact-finding hearing, saying that the restraining order was groundless.  The judge, who by this time was getting thoroughly annoyed with Builder and his attorney, said that the original petition was sufficient, but that she would order a fact-finding hearing for July 2.  That wasn't good enough for Builder, who wanted one that day.  The judge snapped, "I have 750 cases on my docket today!  I don't have time for this."  Then Builder, who has been avoiding any and all responsibility for his children since Thing 1 was about six months old, tried to pass himself off as Father of the Year (copyright, trademark, patent pending).  However, because of the earlier lies, his credibility was shot.  The judge gave me custody, and Builder got visitation supervised by Rabbi Brooklyn.
We're back in court next month.  The wheels of justice turn slowly.